Hold Me Jesus

Hold Me Jesus- Rich Mullens
Well, sometimes my life Just don't make sense at all When the mountains look so big And my faith just seems so small
CHORUS: So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf You have been King of my glory Won't You be my Prince of Peace
And I wake up in the night and feel the dark It's so hot inside my soul I swear there must be blisters on my heart
Surrender don't come natural to me I'd rather fight You for something I don't really want Than to take what You give that I need And I've beat my head against so many walls Now I'm falling down, I'm falling on my knees
And this Salvation Army band Is playing this hymn And Your grace rings out so deep It makes my resistance seem so thi
You have been King of my glory Won't You be my Prince of Peace

When I first heard this song I was in a pretty dark place. It was right when I was deciding what I wanted to do about school, where I thought God wanted me, where I was going to live. It was a scary, scary time. I remember listening to this song, in a dark kitchen and crying out to Jesus. And He seemed to real. So ready to take care of everything for me. In reality things were bad. I was lost and scared and alone. But I had Jesus so I had everything I needed.
Now, I face again another dark time. A time I thought was behind me. It hit me without warning (again), left me feeling empty (again), broken (again). I came across this song again. I want to be strong. To be the one who says I know it is going to be ok. But I said that once. And everything fell apart. I made a list of all the things I know God has done for me. I have listen to praise songs. Read scripture. But pray for me. I would greatly appreciate it.

Never, ever again

I walked into the room to view my husband with machines hooked up to him. Round circular suctions on his chest, beeping monitoring his heart, blood pressure cuffs on taking his pressure. My usually big, loud, full of life husband looked so tiny and WHITE with his hospital gown on. The nurse must have seen MY colorless face because she quickly said "let's wake him up for ya." He did wake up slowly and I walked over to his bed. He looked up at me and said... "I'm starving."
Scott was in the hospital getting his colonoscopy and the down the throat thingy (don't know the name of that one.) But seeming him that hospital bed made me decide one thing. No more. He is not allowed to ever get sick or hurt. He is the strong one. The healthy one. The one who makes you laugh and leaves you with a smile. No more hospitals for him! I personally can't take it.
They didn't find anything by the way. Which upset Scott. he didn't want them to find something serious but he did want them to find something. He is in pain and he is sick. So back to the drs. in 2 weeks. Keep him in your prayers.

"Tis it true Phil??

I must say that I completely forgot that it was groundhogs day until I arrived at work this morning. As I walked through the halls, a giant groundhog was staring at me. The creature was here to greet the children. Then when I went into the classroom it was all the kids were talking about.
In case you don't know, Groundhogs Day is a PA holiday where we rip the furry creature from his nice comfy, hibernating bed and ask him to tell us if we should plan on packing up the sweaters early or bury ourselves in our houses for 6 more weeks.
I may have missed the actual tv presentation but no fear, a teacher's aid recorded it for us. So after 10 or so very long and drawn out minutes, Phil did not see his shadow. Did not scurry back into his hole. And so it goes we are suppose to have an early spring. Oh, one could dream. We all know how I feel about snow. And today pushed me to the limit. Early spring he says while I dig and dig my van out of teh snow drift that was created in an hour. My husband says he believes it though. He says the snow is going to be on its way out. Such the eternal optimist I married.
All I know it thank God it is February. January is over. Hooray! And February is a short month, and off to March where we will hopefully start to warm up a little! Not sure if I believe but I hope you are right Phil!!

I heard my baby

I heard my baby's heartbeat. It always amazes me. Every single time. When I was preg with Will, Scott came with me to my first appointment. It was at 8 weeks and they didn't even try to find one. At the second one, Scott coudln't come. So Jenn drove me but waited in the van cause her two little ones were sleeping. I walk into the room not knowing what to expect and she pulls out the heartbeat thingy. (ALthough I didn't know that was what that was at the time) She says let's see if we can get a heartbeat. And in an instant there he was. Loud and clear and I felt like I couldn't breathe. Of course teh nurse, assistant or who ever she was said yep there it is adn quickly pulled it away to make a note on her chart. ( did not like that place at ALL) There she is acting like it was no big deal and I just heard someone elses heart beat beating inside of me. I didn't start to cry until after I left the office. And I felt that way hearing all of Will's heart beats.
Then there was Rachel. A new doctor (Thank heavens). He smiled a great big smile and said here's the baby. He left teh first time we hear her heartbeat last long and loud. Again I was amazed. And this time was equally breath taking. My dr. (same as the one with Rachel) was tryign to find the heartbeat. It was taking a bit but he kept trying. Then my heart was beating so loud (worried) that he said he didn't know if he could pick the baby's up. But then there it was. My breathe caught in my throat as I heard it. There it is the Dr. said. I smiled and listened. That's my baby.
I know I am preg when that 2nd little line appears. But I never FEEL preg until after I hear that sound. That beautiful thump-thump. Yep, here comes baby. And by the way, my ultra sound is scheduled for Feb 14th. Anyone care to guess boy or girl?????

Pirate Will

Yesterday I was sitting in the livingroom sorting through junk, and the bathroom door burst open. There stood Will who had stripped down to just his red and blue striped underwear. He was holding our toliet plunger by the gross part you stick in the toliet and the handle was pointing at me. Before I could scream out the YUCK! that was in my throat, he jumps forward again and exclaiming "I am a pirate! GGRRR.." So apparently he was going to attack me with his "sword." He did look so sweet in his little undies with his toliet plunger. I snatched it from him however, cleaned his hands and explained to him to not touch things that were once in the toliet. He smiled and jumped away to find his train-train. Never a dull moment.

Are you on the list?

If you are a HEROS fan than you know that phrase. Actually you could have never seen the show once and heard it. It is the new HEROS motto. The last one was SAVE THE CHEERLEADER, SAVE THE WORLD. A couple of weeks ago NBC ran a marathon and played all of the episodes. Scott happened to be home and fell in love with the show. Which I guess he would. Super hero show for adults. So he called me from work to ask me to find a tape and record it. I don't think I have used my VCR, since, well, can't even remember when??? So I found an old tape and got it all ready to record HEROS.

We only have basic cable. That is because most tv is crap. But is used to me and hubby's thing to curl up on the couch with some good tv. That is BEFORE CHILDREN. We used to love thursdays. Survivor, CSI, and then ER. Other ones would pop in and out. And now Scott has HEROS and I have DEAL OR NO DEAL. Gotta love it. Scott and I can't really watch it together because I am busy screaming DEAL!!!! and he is saying no way go for it all. Then we get into a little argument cause he says if he was ever on the show he would never deal. No matter what the offer. I say that is selfish. If Howie ever offers you over 100,000 dollars you better take it. Always fun to tiff over your imaginary million dollars. I also HATE how the chicks have to talk before they open the case. TALKING IS NOT YOUR JOB. JUST OPEN THE CASE!

We may not watch ER, CSI, or Survivor anymore, but we do make some quiet time for each other. We watched the COLTS romp NEW ENGLAND *oh yeah* and then I watched Scott play a new role playing game which I enjoyed as I dozed in and out of conscience. Those quiet times are so important. But ya know what. I think I need a meal in here somewhere soon!

p.s. On Sunday we went to church (as we do every Sunday). Will looked around at the end of the service and said "This was a good church day Mommy. We should come back." Okay Will. I think we might!

Hard pregnancy, easy baby??

I wonder if you have a hard pregnancy, if it means the baby will be a really good one. No comments from the peanut gallery where my SIL had a horrible first pregnancy and a pretty rough first baby. I mean she was the sweetest but was fond of cry for no reason. And then there was Will. Definitely a rough middle and end pregnancy and he was…a rough baby. And Rachel…that pregnancy was so easy. Never sick, not much weight gain, no back pain, 2 weeks early. And now, I am so sick. I know my dear husband is sick of hearing it so I will tell anyone here who wants to listen. I am so sick all the time. I don’t want to get off of the couch. I am throwing up in the middle school bathroom at school. VERY embarrassing. I wake up sick, go to bed sick. Right now I am fighting to keep down the vomit. So what kind of baby will this bring. I think it is only fair that is you suffer through this, then you should be rewarded with super baby.
No, no. I guess that does not matter. I just want him or her to be healthy. I heard stories of so many sick babies lately and it does make me feel so blessed to have two beautiful, healthy children. And I pray that this baby to is strong and healthy. Even if my new accessory is my puke bucket. Every time Will sees me with it he says “oh no Mommy is going to frow (throw) up.” And he runs. Then Rachel squeals and follows him. All of my pregnancy e mail up dates say that soon (Saturday I begin the second trimester) this morning/all day sickness should end. Soon right?? Please???

PS Jenn- I have a lemonhead in my mouth as I type. Any other ideas????

Just noticed

Hey! I just noticed that my heart is on the little three on my little side bar counter. Yeah! And I know you all love the cartoon. Ain't it the truth!

a little under the weather

I know it has been awhile since I blogged. It has been a rough week. I started to feel a little under the weather last weekend. It snowballed and I found myself with bronchitis and dehydrated. So I spent the week trying to get from one day to the next. I went to work and came home ready to collapse. Now I am starting to feel ok. But on Thursday Scott started to have problems again with his stomach. Please pray for him. He is having some tests run this week of which he is very unhappy. He is at work tonight on third shift. He is making up hours he missed last week when he was sick. I hate third shift. I never sleep right. I am sure scott doesn’t like it either though.
On more positive news, I have Monday off. It is a company holiday. And since we don’t have paid holidays that means we are not allowed to work, but we don’t get paid. So I lose a day of pay which does stink. But it is a day I get OFF. I am going to have some blood work done and try and get Rachel’s pictures taken.
Today was a nice Saturday. Will was playing in his room. I come and asked him what he was doing. He told me that he was Scooby Doo and he was watching the sponge bob movie. He was sitting on his bed staring at the white wall. So I sat for a bit. He looked over and smiled. I smiled. If you read Jenn’s blog over at Angelsfaith you know that Faith was wrapping things up all Christmas season and giving them away. Well, today Will must have been feeling the Christmas spirit. So he decided to wrap Mommy some presents. He stuck his “presents” in dirty socks he found on the floor. Still, happy that he was being sweet, I excitedly open my present. It was two little cars. I said thank-you Will! In my happiest voice. He smiled, snatched the cars from my hand, and said “that’s my cars mommy.” And ran off. At least he left me the socks.

True

Cleaning and Scrubbing can wait until tomorrow
for babies grow up, we've learned to our sorrow
So quiet down cobwebs, dust go to sleep
I'm rocking my baby, and babies don't keep

I'm Back

I was having internet problems although a couple of nights I was so tired that I didn't even check my e mail! I have started back to work so I've been busy. We had a very nice New Year's Eve. I was ready to hit the hay by 10 o'clock, but the kids were ready to party. We went to Scott's parents house and had a little party with some great hot wing dip!! AAHHH!! Aunt Jenn bought plenty of party poppers and when the ball dropped it was Happy New Year for everyone. Except for my little guy who kept yelling "Happy Birthday!" And tried to explain that it was the new year and not anyone's birthday but he was already in teh swing of things. I had to drag them all home at 12:30 (Mom the party pooper!) As Will was going to sleep he said "Mommy, I want a birthday."
Today Will and Rachel were getting a bath (not even a church day!) When Will got out I wrapped a towel around him. He walked around for awhile with his towel. When I went to get his jammies, I heard him yell "Mommy, come wook (look)!" "Oh no" I thought wondering what disasters I might find. He was standing in the livingroom naked with his towel beside him. "Mommy," in an angry little voice. "Wook (Look) at me. I am naked. When did I get naked!" Apparently he had forgotten his bath. "You took a bath Will. I took off your clothes." He looked at me as if I grew a third head "Well, I still need underwear!" SO I laughed . To which he said "mommy, it's not funny." And then sighed loudly.
Rachel walked across the kitchen a couple of times today. When I saw it I thought no, no. You always hope and clap and when they start doing it you say "OH MY BABY!" She spent the whole night following her brother and copying his every move. Which I found do sweet, but Will did not. I guess she did eat his playdough.